Empower Yourself!!!

Some important observations about growing up have to do with how much self-direction and individual power children and teens have in their lives. Some of the young people I know seem very confused about this. Even their adults are confused about this and about what might be appropriate. If you find yourself saying, "She made me mad!" or "He started it!" or "He made me feel stupid!" or any similar statement, what I am going to tell you may surprise you.

1. Your feelings are yours - no one else's. They are in your body and brain, and are, therefore, your responsiblity to learn to control. In truth, no one can "make" you feel any emotion. As you grow more and more into adulthood, you will hopefully discover you have much control. But you have to experience some challenging events in your life first. The more this happens, and the more you learn about recovering and controlling your feelings, the happier you will be.

2. When you came into this world, you were totally dependent on your parents for everything you received. As you have grown you have probably found yourself making more and more decisions about various parts of your life. Someday your parents won't be around to do anything for you. You will then know a very scary thing about yourself - you will know that your are really on your own. This should really mostly happen before your parents leave this world, but for some of you, your parents may have left, or may leave earlier than expected. The sooner you learn that you have control over what you think, say, feel, and do, the sooner you will be ready to be completely on your own.

3. Always put your mistakes behind you, learn from them, "get back up", and go on with new promises to do better. If you find yourself saying things like, "I am so stupid!" or "I always do stupid things like this!" then you need to learn something about how to say what you really want to say. Do not state anything bad you have done in any way that is permanent, pervasive (everywhere constantly), and in the present tense. State such actions as though you only did this once, in the past, and it happened only in that one place at that one time. This leaves you free to break the bonds of any self-fulfilling prophecies about you. If you want to talk about something you did well, state that as if it is permanent, pervasive, and in the present tense. (e.g." I always win this game." "I always remember to feed the animals at night.").

If you do these three things, you will be on your way to self-fulfillment and happiness. You will also begin to gain more power in your life.

Happy New Year to all of you!!!

Look for new posts - coming soon.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to all!!!

I Have Had It With That Person!!!

When is the last time you found yourself saying something like this:

"That person made me so mad!!" or "I have had it with that person!!!" or "I let them have it and told them to ......(you fill in the blank)." or possibly something like "I am done with that!!!"

Have you found yourself so bothered by what someone else has been saying to you or about you that you have felt forced to do something--like tell them where to go?

These are normal experiences for many pre-teens and teens, as well as many adults.

Whenever I hear someone saying that someone "made" them feel a certain way, or "pushed them to their limit" or anything similar to that, I think of something called locus of control. Simply put, this has to do with where your control is located--whether it is located outside of you or within you. If your control is located within you, your locus of control is internal. If your control is located outside of you, your locus of control is external.

If you are blaming someone else or something in your environment for how you feel or how you act, your locus of control is external, meaning you are allowing someone or something outside of you to control how you feel or how you act. Such statements as, "He made me do it" or "My sister made me do it" are evidence of your external locus of control in a particular situation. In fact, sometimes this is related to something called situational ethics--meaning you change your beliefs for each situation you encounter in life.

The problem with both situational ethics and other ways of having an external locus of control is that you are giving up control you could have over yourself. Your feelings are inside of you and are yours--you have felt them. Your actions are yours. If you blame someone else for what you think, do, feel and/or say you are giving someone or something else control over you. Most people don't realize they are giving up anything--they just think they are helpless victims.

Well, you don't have to be a victim any longer!! This is the good news!! The bad news is that, in order for you to get out of the external locus of control mode, you have to start taking responsibility for everything you think, do, feel, and say. A good and popular way to take responsibility for what you do and say is to immediately point to yourself and say, "My bad." Then you apologize for whatever and make amends. Another piece of good news comes into play here, for whenever you take responsibility for what you think, do, feel and/or say, you also gain more control over your life. To be sure, you cannot control what others do and say. But as soon as you start taking responsibility for your own feelings, language, and actions something magic happens--you have just switched the control of these back to you, and you now have an internal locus of control.

An internal locus of control is a very wonderful thing to have. It allows you to let others be themselves while you get to be yourself and make the choices that match your values.

Be sure to release yourself from others' control by taking responsibility for everything you think, do, feel, and/or say. You will have a better day each time you do this.

Thanks for reading, and have a great day!!!

You Have a Choice to Grow Up Great!

My young friends. Some years ago, as an elementary school counselor, I found myself with a request from a 5th grade teacher and the child's parents to counsel a boy who was in that teacher's class. One day I brought this boy, whom I had known from the time he entered kindergarten, into my office and asked him what he thought of himself. Since I had been told by his teacher that he seemed depressed lately, I knew where to start, and that is with self-esteem.

Now self-esteem refers to how you think and feel about yourself. When someone is depressed they tend to have poor self-esteem. And self-esteem is something you have to work on, and which no one can give you. Your self-esteem is inside of you--it is yours, and yours, only.

This boy had experienced aunts and uncles and cousins and various family members who had been in trouble with the law and even in prison. When I asked him this question, he responded with something like, "I'm bad. Everyone in my family is bad, so therefore, I will be bad."

Apparently he believed that he had no choice!!

If I had believed something like this, I would not have ever gained a college education and become a teacher and school counselor. I explained this to him and also explained that no matter what anyone had ever done in his family, he had choices. He could choose for himself whether he would become good or bad. We are never limited to what our family members choices were. We have our own set of choices and can choose to learn from their lives and go on to become someone we can respect and trust.

Always remember that you have choices!!! This is very important!!! Choose to respect yourself and grow high self-esteem. Choose to take control of your own life and never give up on yourself!! Always believe in yourself!!!

This Blog is for Kids

Years ago there was a TV commercial for Trix--the name of a cereal a lot of you might like. The rabbit would come along and discover some Trix cereal and start eating it. A kid would appear, quickly grab up the cereal and take it away, exclaiming, "Silly Rabbit!! Trix are for kids!"

Well, on this blog, I want to say, "Silly parents--this blog is for kids!" Fortunately for you and your parents, I will not limit the viewing of this blog to only kids.

Just so there are no mistakes in my intentions here, I want everyone to know that I have also just begun a blog for parents who are struggling with kids. It is called "Attaching Support for Parents" and is open to all who would like to read it--including you. Likewise, parents are welcome to read this blog for kids.

You may not find this blog interesting right now, but that is okay. I will be adding as many interesting things as I can to this blog as time goes on.

I am a retired school counselor, and I do have some idea about what kids might need.

You are always welcome to comment and to ask me questions and I will do my best to answer them as quickly as I can.

For now, it is late and I must go to bed. Good night.